hawkeye

hawkeye looks like this:

price: $6.65 (yikes)
purchased at:  hy-vee wine and spirits in cedar rapids, ia

i decided to give this whiskey a try because it is all about iowa and so am i.*  it has an iowa name and mentions the iowa glass refund and is even MADE in iowa.  wait, what?

it turns out you should not drink whiskey that is made in iowa.

i poured this stuff in a glass and was worried.  the color is very, very light.  i smelled it and was more worried. it smells like fire and booze.  whiskey isn't supposed to smell like booze.**  lucky for you, dear reader, my determination is strong and my commitment to you is stronger, so i pressed forward undaunted.  and that's when i learned . . .

that this shit is fucking poison.  just the most vile thing i've ever tasted.  i have no idea why anyone would ever intentionally purchase this or drink it.  i forced down one glass straight (SUCH COMMITMENT), tried a bit with water (still death), and then gave in and drank it exclusively with a ginger ale mixer.  and a LOT of ginger ale.

a big part of why i am trying all this is due to my unwavering thirst for knowledge.***  while i could certainly learn more by drinking decent stuff, that doesn't mean this experiment has to be wholly non-academic.  for example, i have now learned that you can call fucking anything whiskey if you want to.  i was really curious as to how this brown liquid could possibly be so terrible, so i started scouring the label for details.&  and look what i found!

WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?!  there's basically no whiskey here.  it's fucking everclear (everclear!) with a splash of whiskey in it.  which, in a way, is extremely reassuring.  i love whiskey and, for a brief moment, hawkeye shaked my trust in it.  but now i know the truth.  this shit isn't whiskey.  this is disgusting swill passed off as something wonderful.  i won't get fooled again.&&

verdict:  i'm awfully tempted to go cock-eye here, but that strikes me as potentially homophobic, so i'm not going down that road.  instead, we'll keep it simple and go with

more like hawk-i can't believe this shit is produced and sold in stores thank you for confirming my non-belief in god i know that any reasonable all powerful being would've put a stop to this long ago



* or something.

** whiskey is supposed to smell like whiskey.

*** and my even less wavering thirst for booooooze.

& also known as "deets."

&& i will almost certainly get fooled again.

cabin still

cabin still looks like this:

price 9.88 (except it's a full liter, not 750ml!)
purchased at:  hy-vee wine and spirits in cedar rapids, ia

now this is more like it.  cabin still follows up old crow with another great label.  it looks all old-timey, it's got that cool font, and there's like a brick tepee or some shit on it.  that alone is reason enough to throw nine bucks at it.

but this is actually not a terrible whiskey!  unlike with that fucking old crow from last time, this stuff doesn't taste like literal fire water.  cabin still is shockingly smooth given the price.  while it doesn't have a ton of taste altogether, just the absence of the horrible burning makes this a huge improvement over a lot of the competition.  while many would note that a positive review that could be summed up as "doesn't taste good but isn't painful to drink so hooray" is the sort of thing a wino would say, eagle-eyed readers will note that i have nothing to live for and might as well just get my booze on.

in conclusion, this is likely to become a go-to cheap whiskey for me.  it's certainly not good by any stretch, but it's about as not bad as you could hope for in this price range.

verdict:  more like cabin THRILL

old crow

old crow looks like this:

price:  8.99

purchased at:  hy-vee wine and spirits in cedar rapids, ia

old crow is a good whiskey because it has a cool name and a picture of a bird on the bottle.  it is a bad whiskey for pretty much every other reason you can imagine.

SIDEBAR just for reference, i am going to be drinking my whiskey neat for this blog, unless i come up with something so brutal that i am unable to suffer it without cutting it with some water.  hopefully we won't come to that.

start with the smell.  old crow burns your nose and makes you sad that you are going to drink it.  there's really nothing in the way of yummy whiskey smell --  just burny pain.  and a hint of rich mahogany.*

the taste is considerably worse.  there's really nothing good to say about it at all.  what little taste there is hits you right in the roof of the mouth and doesn't linger.  unfortunately, that taste is largely irrelevant as all you really notice when you drink old crow (besides the fact that your life isn't going very well) is that your mouth burns.  at least for me, it's especially crucial to keep this swill from going under my tongue, as that pretty much just makes me gag straight away.

in the end, there is a reason old crow is basically the wellest of well whiskeys.  if you find yourself drinking old crow, you're likely at a shitty bar getting the cheapest whiskey and coke they offer.  when you see the bartender fill your glass with twice as much mixer as usual (and you will, dive bars are all the same), don't get mad at her for ripping you off.  she's really doing you a favor.

verdict: more like old BLOW

*timely reference!

WELCOME

there will be no welcome post.