price: $6.65 (yikes)
purchased at: hy-vee wine and spirits in cedar rapids, ia
i decided to give this whiskey a try because it is all about iowa and so am i.* it has an iowa name and mentions the iowa glass refund and is even MADE in iowa. wait, what?
it turns out you should not drink whiskey that is made in iowa.
i poured this stuff in a glass and was worried. the color is very, very light. i smelled it and was more worried. it smells like fire and booze. whiskey isn't supposed to smell like booze.** lucky for you, dear reader, my determination is strong and my commitment to you is stronger, so i pressed forward undaunted. and that's when i learned . . .
that this shit is fucking poison. just the most vile thing i've ever tasted. i have no idea why anyone would ever intentionally purchase this or drink it. i forced down one glass straight (SUCH COMMITMENT), tried a bit with water (still death), and then gave in and drank it exclusively with a ginger ale mixer. and a LOT of ginger ale.
a big part of why i am trying all this is due to my unwavering thirst for knowledge.*** while i could certainly learn more by drinking decent stuff, that doesn't mean this experiment has to be wholly non-academic. for example, i have now learned that you can call fucking anything whiskey if you want to. i was really curious as to how this brown liquid could possibly be so terrible, so i started scouring the label for details.& and look what i found!
WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?! there's basically no whiskey here. it's fucking everclear (everclear!) with a splash of whiskey in it. which, in a way, is extremely reassuring. i love whiskey and, for a brief moment, hawkeye shaked my trust in it. but now i know the truth. this shit isn't whiskey. this is disgusting swill passed off as something wonderful. i won't get fooled again.&&
verdict: i'm awfully tempted to go cock-eye here, but that strikes me as potentially homophobic, so i'm not going down that road. instead, we'll keep it simple and go with
more like hawk-i can't believe this shit is produced and sold in stores thank you for confirming my non-belief in god i know that any reasonable all powerful being would've put a stop to this long ago
* or something.
** whiskey is supposed to smell like whiskey.
*** and my even less wavering thirst for booooooze.
& also known as "deets."
&& i will almost certainly get fooled again.
